You gots to chill

I'm afraid this is going to be an argh blog. I'm tired and stressed and depressed and grumpy and podgy and bored and annoyed and sad and homesick and lonely and ill and bitchy and smelly and apathetic and overwhelmed and stricken by guilt and self-loathing and xenophobic and uninspired and pitiful and ARGH!

Just endured the last of my Trainee Learning Activity weekends for the year and if the facilitators' aim was to suck the will to live from deep down in my toes, right up and out through my nose - well jolly good job chaps. How is it possible that a group of people I don't particularly identify with, nor really respect (or like most of the time!) can make me feel this crap about myself? This bites the big one.

So how to hell do you decide if something is simply not you, or if you need to be making some serious changes to incorporate this new 'world view' in your life? Look, I'm know I'm not perfect and I'd like to think I'm open to continual personal development, but I've got to hang on to something unique don't I - some core 'brown-pie-piece-ishness'?

Geeze, could I be more obtuse? Ok, literally what happened was that we were subjected to a very long, very tedious goal setting session where we were asked to articulate in some detail, our goals & objectives for the next 5-10 years, and practical steps we are/will take towards achieving them. Not such a bad idea, I hear you saying. Hmmm maybe not, but long term planning has never really been my thing, and sharing my somewhat modest/nebulous aspirations with a room full of over achieving corporate cult members is, just straight out, my version of Hades.

It doesn't help either, that I've been stuck with a particularly unrewarding position this year, whilst others have had very positive experiences. I don't begrudge them that at all (the mini-Trumps are probably making much better use of the opportunity than I ever could) but when it came to everyone's favourite hour - the 'experience sharing' session - I began to sound like the World's Greatest whinger.

Seriously, I've never cast myself as the 'Eeyore' type character before, but when I was suddenly confronted by a bunch of strangers berating me for my negative attitude yesterday - I had to see their point. I've hardly been Little Miss Sunshine for awhile now. How can I let one particularly average work year turn me into this person I hate? It's not like it's been all bad... if fact some bits have been quite extraordinary!

Which brings me back to my original question: assuming the problem is a product of my incompatibility with AIESEC's organisational culture - is this trough giving me the uncomfortable poke I need in order to adjust my attitudes OR is it simply, just not meant to be? Time will tell I guess, but meanwhile I have come to 4 conclusions which, if nothing else, were very cathartic for me to put down in print.

1. I do not fit the AIESEC mold and should prefer to have nothing further to do with them after the 1st of February.

2. Denmark is a lovely country, but not one that I will ever choose to live in again after the 1st of February.

3. I will not say another negative word about either my traineeship or Denmark until I leave on the 1st of February - at which time I shall thorougly & honestly write it all down in the post-exchange survey... with relish!

4. I can not wait until the 1st of February.