My Grandma

My grandma died today at 4.30 EST. What an odd time to choose. When I go, as I suppose I must, I think I would like to draw my last breath in the early morning. That atmosphere of anticipation, the crisp new day enveloping me like fresh bed linen, heart and mind perceptibly steeling for the journey ahead... 4.30pm just seems such a world weary time... but I suppose that's what she probably was. Mum tells me she was very sad towards the end. The killer is, I can picture it so clearly; incapacitated with acute pain in an unfamiliar, sterile hospice room, and surrounded by her loving (but no doubt very depressing family), she was intensely saddened to be leaving this world. Now prepare yourself for an über redundant observation: that pain of separation has to be one of the key struggles of the human condition. I’m not only referring to the ultimate separation of death of course, but the multitude of minor separation dramas which play out in our everyday lives. Forget death and taxes, separation is also as continual as it is certain. The only thing, person or place we will never be separated from is our own consciousness, our own physical body, our own personal space. One could obviously say a lot about the conscious altering (separating) effects of hallucinogenic drugs, hypnosis, etc. at this juncture, but that’s entirely beside the point.

We are alone, ipso facto, we are lonely. I’ve heard this ‘truism’ countless times but never really assimilated it into my own experience of the world before. It’s a super philosophy and one that I must confess I am embracing more and more as the years pass, but the trouble is I can distinctly remember a time when I was not lonely – childhood. Do we then have to further qualify the statement by saying that only all ‘adults’ are lonely? I’m quite certain a whole host of people would also swiftly dispute this. So are they in denial or simply not in touch with their deeper subconscious state? Do children not yet possess the necessary emotional intelligence to identify the condition in themselves? I don’t know. What I do know is that I am lonely – particularly today at the passing of my beloved Grandmother, but also in a profound way everyday.

I was just reading a review of the new Mike Mills movie Thumbsucker (which I have incidentally been looking forward to with a kind of morbid interest, as Elliot Smith chose to commit suicide whilst writing a song for the film) and a quote from Tilda Swinton caught my eye: "I thought there was something rather transgressive about the idea of doubtlessness being held up to be the cardinal virtue of all time.” (Isn’t she fabulous?!) We have been conditioned to expect perfection of ourselves – a challenging career, loving relationship, functional family, age-defying beauty, mental health, money, all the trappings of social status… it’s spawned multi-billion dollar plastic surgery, life coaching, fitness regime & diet planning industries (to name just a few superfluous modern mutations of service functions). Is this mad search for an acceptable identity all about avoiding the fact that many of our problems are existential? Perhaps the best remedy is to accept that there are no remedies, to embrace our anxieties and learn to live without answers.

Wow, I think I’ve wandered a little far from the path. This is not what I set out to say at all. What I wanted to do was send a small tribute to my Grandma out into the void and so that is what I shall end with.

My grandma was one of the best people have ever met or will ever meet. She was a true Matriarch - proud, strong, infinitely loving, generous of heart, stoic, full of faith, resourceful, kind, patient, determined, dismissive of anything that wasn't our best effort, devoted to her family... I could go on but this isn't helping. Nothing will for a little while, and that's ok too. I love you Grandma and I thank you. There is a hole in our family now but we will honour you by trying to be the kind of people you knew we could be, make the choices that reflect a life of dignity and remain true to your pure spirit. You are missed.