buzz buzz

I’m buzzing today. The synapses are snapping; blood pushing forth along blooming capillaries, driven by some internal centripetal force… like a hammer being spun with increasing speed, rising and falling in its orbit, frustrated in its release. The circular motion is important.

But it’s a quiet fission. I don’t want to share this mounting energy... well not verbally at least – in a stroke of luck for you dedicated punters, I have no qualms about releasing this wave upon unsuspecting paper (binary code, electronic impulses- have it as you will). I’m rather intrigued myself to see what I’ll find in the wash.

Frustrating my attempts, is a head in disarray. I’m a mess of ideas, none of which I seem to have the discipline or focus to follow through to conclusion. I’m grabbing at a baker’s dozen of topics, memories, random moments of inspiration & half baked theories (phiff – I’ve never felt that cliché like I do right now) in some mad rush to define my present, collate my past, spin my future.

I feel the need to use the word torpor. I think that’s what I’ve been in for longer than I’d care to admit. Once again, I’m displeased with the direction of this very blog. I know I never will be – that’s the saboteur within. Nevertheless, I have again regrettably fallen into trite autobiographical indulgences. Autobiographical wouldn’t be so bad if I was more… funny I suppose. Perhaps my displeasure has more to do with the fact I’m always secretly incensed by the limitations of my own intellectual faculties. I’ve been lazy. Dead lazy.

Damn it, it’s all floating away from me as I type. I’m remembering poetry I wrote when I was 19 and in love for the 1st time – it wasn’t all bad. Silver spoons and St Lucia jacarandas. Further back, death and gardeners. Plant life, it seems, has always held a fascination for me.

I’m treading water, wasting time, making excuses & dare I say it – waiting to be rescued. Oh not in that traditional, white steed & fairy prince way, but I am waiting for some miraculous event or opportunity to present itself and sweep me off my feet. My life lacks a consuming passion and I’m beginning to feel its absence keenly. I’m reading a play by Goethe at the moment, Egmont, and a passage where the lead protagonist (Count Egmont) is explaining to his servant why he will not make the safe choice and flee town, meant something to me this morning as I was sleepily making my way into work.

Child, child! Say no more! As if lashed on by invisible spirits, the Sun-god’s coursers of the times carry the light chariot of our destiny on in their headlong gallop; and there is nothing we can do save, ready and bold, to grasp the reins and guide the wheels now left, now right, here from a rock, there from a plunge. Who knows whence he is bound? Scarcely can he remember whence he came.

The intrepid sentiment stirs me, but I don’t feel my destiny is rushing anywhere (interesting) at a headlong gallop. In my brief experience, I have grasped the reins and guided the wheels, only to find the new path I’ve chosen does not hold whatever it is I’m still looking for. It seems to me I enjoy throwing everything into turmoil with wild manoeuvres, but quickly tire of the open road. This is why I’m beginning to think the problem lies with how I actually perceive the nature of each change, and correspondingly, the real effect it will have on my life.

Let’s take the most obvious example for a sec: moving overseas. Ok I’ve done it twice now and I plan to do it again at the beginning of next year. I love that constant stimulation when I first arrive, the uncertainty and challenges, but it all wears off in about 4 months (tops) and I’m already looking for the next destination. The decision to move OS is obviously a superficial answer to the problem. I need to be making more significant changes which have less to do with geographic location and more to do with… well I don’t know – I guess that’s what this bloody rant is about. What I do know is that I’m going to stop ignoring the bloody problem and start trying to actively address it everyday – for sure it’s not going to solve itself. Anyway that’s why I’m buzzing – I’ve started thinking again.